So, what do you do when you get surprised by someone approaching your desk?

You do the quick cover-up.

Just press ALT + F4 to immediately close the window that you have open on your computer. Keep in mind that if you are running Firefox from a thumb drive, like I do, it will not close without asking you if you want to save the open tabs. Just a warning.

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Yup, I have that problem too. But it is an easy to fix problem.

Create your own job history.

First, you need to create a fake company. NEVER use a real company’s name that you did not work for.

Buy the domain name for the fake company. And for heaven’s sake - pay the extra price for the privacy protection of the WHOIS data. You don’t want a potential employer seeing that you own the domain name.

Create a professional looking website for this fake company.

Get a pre-paid cell phone that you can use at the company phone. You only need this when you think someone will be calling for a reference check.

Get a fax number from an online site, such as eFax or another online provider. You likely won’t need to use it - but some employers do fax over reference request forms so you may need to use it a few times.

Put the phone and fax numbers on your website.

The end. That is how you can create a fake company for your fake job history. It looks totally legit, right?

And yes, I’ve done this with much success.

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If you can get some dirt like that on your co-workers, you will not have to worry about them turning you in for not working.

Let’s say you see a co-worker playing Farmville all the freaking time at work. On a break you could casually say something like, “I see you were playing Farmville, how does that work exactly?” or something like that. This way, the co-worker knows you’re onto them but you can let ‘em know in a non-threatening way.

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A good slacker knows that they keep to staying employed (and getting paid to do nothing) is to make everyone think you are doing something. This means that you must look busy all the time. And for some people, that is just too much work (it’s really not).

This means that you cannot talk about how you are slacker at work. You can’t post on your Facebook about being a slacker (if you have co-workers on your friend list). And when co-workers complain about the job, you just join in with them. They won’t even know you’re faking it.

This post from: Complete Slacker

This post from: Complete Slacker

1. Get some pictures. If you have any nieces of nephews, you can use their pics. Otherwise, take your happy ass over to Flickr and steal a pic of someone else’s kid. They’ll never know. Print it out on some nice photo paper. Or even better - make it the desktop wallpaper on your computer!

2. Artwork is only need if your fake kid is age 8 or under. Seriously. Now, the people that are selling the fake kid kits have said in interviews that they draw the artwork with their left hands. You can do the same.

3. Do a really bad craft and bring it work to put on your desk - say your kid made it for you. This is really good for the holidays.

4. Be prepared to answer lots of questions about the kid. Things like where the kid goes to school, who babysits the kid and how much you pay for that, when the school holiday period is over, etc. For me, I chose to act like I was separated from the other parent and used a lot of answers that you can use such as, “I dunno, his dad pays for that” or “Not sure, his mom took him to it.”

Kid-related things that get you out of work:

• Holiday parties, i.e. “I have to make cupcakes and take them to little Jonny’s St. Patricks Day party”
• School talent shows
• Parent teacher conferences in the afternoon
• School open house in the afternoon
• Sports game
• School holiday program where little Amy is singing
• Sick kid
• Kid got in a fight and is suspended and you need to pickup little trouble-ass now
• anything else kid-related you can think of

Enjoy your fake kid - the one that you created for free.

You’re welcome.

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Well, someone out there started up a website after I posted about that project, and I’m not saying I was ripped off, but… they offer to make up a kid for you for the exact same reason. Hrm. The kid kit also comes with some fake doctor’s notes and a list of excuses. Curious, no?

And the best part is that they charge $20 for this kit.

Only douchebags would actually pay to create a fake kid for work. I mean, it’s so freaking easy to do on your own. For free! Stay tuned and I’ll tell you how.

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For this to work though, you and your boss need to be of the same gender.

Okay, so if your boss was to, say, hear you vomiting then they would probably not even think twice about letting you off work, right?

Now, we all know how vomit sounds when it goes in the toilet. You need some liquid. And possibly something to make some ‘thunk’ noises. These need to be things that can flush down the toilet though. I mean, you don’t want someone coming outta the bathroom saying out loud “Why are there little toy green army men in the 3rd stall?”

The other challenge is that you can’t be seen going in with the stuff - or can you?

So, here’s what I’m thinking….

The first time you see your boss go into the bathroom - remember the early in the day the more free time off you get!

You get up after them (and hopefully they will be in a stall when you arrive) and go into the bathroom. You take with you either:

• a large dark-colored cup (no lid - or a lid you are seen taking off as you approach the bathroom) with a mixture you made at home (brown gravy, frozen corn, water)
• a baggie with a few bits of leftover food or frozen corn in one pocket and juice box in the other pocket. These cannot be seen and must be tossed in the little in-stall trash bin (or put back in your pocket)

Now, run in a stall, make the puking noises and dump some of your fake vomit in the toilet. Remember to not dump it all at once!

If you used the cup - your excuse when you come out with it is that you didn’t think you’d make it to the bathroom, and whoops you didn’t, now you have to wash it out at the sink.

Stay at the sink looking all sickly and rinsing your face if the boss is still in the stall. The boss MUST see that it is you.

Remember to flush quickly cause everyone knows puke has a nasty smell if you don’t flush it quick.

If I was working at an office right now, I would love to test this out. If anyone tries it, let me know how it goes!

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How seriously?

Well, apparently Office Depot (and I assume other office supply stores) sells boxes of blank business checks that anyone can buy. I assume these are made to be used with check printing software, like QuickBooks.

Anyways - anyone can use them! That’s right - you can buy real check stubs to use to make your own check stubs. It’s genius, no?

This post from: Complete Slacker

If you are having a big heatwave in the area where you live, then you can use it as a get-outta-work excuse.

It’s simple really.

You can say that you need to go check on or take care of your grandmother (great grandmother) because she doesn’t have A/C and there is a heat wave. Also mention that if it’s too hot there you will need to find a place where you can take her.

Or you can go dramatic, and use the above line and then call back later with something about how you have to take granny to the hospital b/c she got too hot and is dehydrated.

The only real problem with this excuse is that you will, without a doubt, be bombarded with questions when you return to work. Knowing that, just prepare some answers in advance and you’ll be just fine.

This post from: Complete Slacker