Slacker tip #48 - oops, I broke the copier
One of the worst things to be forced to do at work is making massive amounts of copies. Typically, this involves a stack of papers the size of a middle-aged midget, with a top hat, and most of the stacks has staples and paperclips throughout it. And if that isn’t bad enough, the papers are of various sizes, meaning they won’t all go through the feeder on top of the copier AND there is only one copier in your office. For everyone. So, when you’re standing at the copier like the asswipe that you are, people come up and ask to cut in front of you. Apparently, they think their time is more valuable than yours. Idiots.
What I love most about these little task of copier hell is that your boss tells you about this punishment and then asks you if you mind doing it. As if you have a real choice in the matter.
You can’t tell your boss you’d rather bang a snaggle-toothed, crab infested skank, so you take the midget-sized stack of papers and head to the copier.
But do not fear, for there is salvation.
Your mission - break the copier.
It never fails that offices are leasing copiers of less than stellar quality. This is good for you because it means it won’t take a lot of effort to break the bastard.
See, I just got a “project” that involves making around 800 copies to be overnighted. If the copies are not done in time, they most likely will not need to be done at all. And, if they insist on them being made regardless of their late factor, I still win because a temp starts here on Monday and won’t have anything to do because the computer is not set up for her. Muah hahaha.
In my experience, there are 3 ways to break a copier.
- Massive paper jam
- Staples through the feeder
- Paperclips “falling” into the maching
The copier at my office jams a lot. And I mean A LOT. So, my first attempt will be to jam it beyond repair. It will just look like it’s being it’s usual shitty self. So, I’ll open the paper reservoir and misplace some paper so that it will jam. Maybe stuff paper where it shouldn’t be.
Then I will run stuff through the feeder with staples and paperclips on it. This always seems to mess up feeders on copiers. As a bonus I could take an exacto knife up and cut the belt that the feeder uses to move the paper.
Do you have a copier at work that has a nifty little magnetized paperclip place on it? Any of those paperclips ever slipped through a crack and fallen down into the machine? Yup, that really fucks it up real good. So, why not just drop some paperclips in the cracks on purpose? Hell, when you have the machine open to cause a jam, toss some paperclips in it too. I know I will.
R.I.P. workplace copier
3 Responses to “Slacker tip #48 - oops, I broke the copier”
July 6th, 2007 at 10:08 am
This is really funny. I think there must have been one of your followers where I last worked because this person had endless problems with the copier ‘not working’ but whenever I was around it always worked for me.
July 6th, 2007 at 11:18 am
Ha, ha. That’s hilarious. And, evil.
July 8th, 2007 at 1:58 am
I’ve actually gone to the printer and cancelled everyones documents because I was asked to stay after work and print shit if I couldn’t get it done by the close of business. And, the other folks documents were taking forever and obviously were not as important as mine.
I did a “oops, the printer is frozen again. Gotta turn it off and restart it!” Suckers.
Ironically, my computer “can’t” always print to the fat ass copier. So, my intern gets to print shit for me. Ha, ha. Sabs.
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