Slacker tip # 8,432.87 - be realistic
First, you’ll notice there has been a bit of a hiatus from posting. No I haven’t been ill. And I haven’t been on holiday. I’m not even British, just an American schmuck with no paid time off. Dammit man. What I am, is a lazy bastard. I have no excuse for the lack of posting except that I’m lazy. And I’ve been too busy slacking it yo.
So, during my vacation, someone sent me a comment that they were in need of a fake pregnancy form. Apparently, my craftiness at making up fake doctor notes means that I can also work some immaculate conception mojo. This is a lie. And downright ridiculous.
I don’t even know what to say about this request. Now, let’s say that I did make up a fake pregnancy form for little Immaculate Conception Mary, what next? Will she want me to make her a pregnant suit? Will she request my presence at Babies r Us? And what about the schmuck she’s giving this to? Is she giving it to a boss so she can claim having a miscarriage and get time off work? If so, damn girl, that is some crazy shit. I wish I’d thought of it! Or is she planning on giving it to a boyfriend? And what happens when she is supposed to look pregnant? This slacker is confused and downright befuddled. But that’s nothing a shot of amaretto won’t cure.
The lesson in this is very important - be realistic in your slacking activities. If you take my nifty doctor’s note and put on it that you sprained your ankle, don’t show up to work in a few days walking around just fine. If you are unsure of your acting skills then I have sad news for you - you can’t be a successful slacker. Those of us that can take these tips and do them well on a daily basis deserve Oscars for our performances. Honestly. I have cried on the spot more than once to get out of a tough spot at work. That is more than I can say for some actors!
3 Responses to “Slacker tip # 8,432.87 - be realistic”
July 5th, 2007 at 10:13 pm
You know, those pregnant bastards have it easy.
Sure, you have to excrete a fetus, from uh, you know, but months and months off work? Hog fooie.
One pregnant lady in my office took A YEAR AND A HALF off of work after having a baby. She was healthy as can be and so was the baby, but wanted time off.
Why the hell can’t I take personal, unpaid leave off like that?
I’d love to, say, move to Morrocco for a year and be guaranteed my job upon my return.
Faking a pregnancy would be difficult, risky, and idiotic– but it sure is hell is NOT FAIR that pregnancy buys you ONE AND A HALF YEARS OFF (unpaid, with medical benefits) at my company when a frickin’ mental breakdown/personal life buys you NOT A SINGLE DAY OFF.
Damnit, I wish I was a dollar hooker, pregnant, and idiotic.
Actually, I’m kinda fat since I never get my lazy ass off the couch. Maybe I can fake a pregnancy too???!?!?! Damn pregnant freaks.
July 6th, 2007 at 8:36 am
You can do this, I have faith in you and your dream of living in Morrocco for a year and having a job when you return.
Here’s what I’m thinking - look for one of those fake pregnant suits, or just wear baggy clothes so people will think you look pregnant. Apparently those baby doll style shirts are in cause some girl, who is not pregnant, wears them and looks pregnant. So, assuming you are female, stock up on those, but baggy ones so you look pregnant. In 6 months or so, say your doc is putting you on bed rest till the baby comes. Then take your year and a half off, but be sure to shanghai a pic of a newborn to send your co-workers.
See, easy enough and no need to be a dolla hooker.
godspeed.
July 8th, 2007 at 1:46 am
Well, what if you’re a dude? Or, say, an unmarried young girl? Either way, they’d think I was either a medical miracle in the first case, or pathetic in the second case.
And, well, when there was no actual baby produced, uhh, I could kinda get fired. If they were actually kind, I’d have to lug a bunch of annoying baby gifts to my damn house. That would be far too much of a hassle.
How about.. I get a lover with pre-existing kids? No permanent attachment, or reason for firing, but they’d give me an excuse to take a “my kid isn’t sick but I’m a sorry lazy ass so I’m saying he/she is sick.” Sound like a plan?
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