Slacker tip #6 - Kill off a relative
Or, how to get grievance pay when you’re really just taking a vacation.
If you’re like me you like to miss a lot of work. Most slackers do. You’ve probably noticed that most jobs don’t like to give you time off if you do not have enough vacation time to cover it. I am often faced with trips I want to take and a serious lack of available vacation time. There’s only one solution here. You can’t call in because you need several days off. So, you must kill off a relative. Not literally. I have had more dead grandmothers than I can remember! And I’ve gotten grievance pay to go “grieve” out of state for each and every one.
The first order of business is to look in an employee handbook and see what they grievance pay policy is for your company. Most will list which extended family members they offer grievance pay for as well as the time they will pay. Of the places I have worked, almost all of them have utilized a sliding scale for this, meaning the number of days you get paid depends on how far away the funeral is from where you are.
Once you have this squared away, you need to decide where you are going for said funeral. I suggest picking a state that is both far away and for which you can get a local newspaper for at the Barnes & Noble. Why you ask? Because chances are you job will want proof of the death. Typically, they want either the little booklet from the service or an obituary from the newspaper, hence needing a local paper.
This is how to work it. I will use myself as an example. If I am located in Boston and want to take a 4-day weekend off to go to Key West I will tell my job that my grandmother in California has passed away. They key is to be as vague as possible so that I have my choice of cities for the obituary. If they ask what part, then I choose Los Angeles as I know the Barnes & Noble carries the LA Times. If you act particularly distraught by the death, they are less likely to ask you questions.
When choosing your obituary from the paper, you want to pick one that is rather vague. Typically, I look for one that says something like “Deceased is survived by 8 children and 17 grandchildren” as this doesn’t’ mention names of your parents or your names. You’re all set, now just don’t come back with a sunburn!
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