Slacker tip #4 - Your resumé – How to hide the fact that you’re a slacker, Part 1
If you are a slacker like me, then your resumé is not exactly an accurate picture of your work history. Let’s face it, if I had to put every job on my resumé it would be the size of a small novel. In one year alone I went through 15 different jobs. Of course, my resumé paints quite a different picture of me because no one in their right mind would hire me if they knew how quickly I actually change jobs. As I write this book I am 28 years old and the longest I have held a full-time job is about a year and a half…and that was three jobs ago. In fact, I have never had just one W-2 come tax time. Usually, I amass about four or five through the course of a year.
I do not recommend embellishing your resumé to everyone. You have to be able to be sitting across from an interviewer and be able to lie about the jobs you have listed on your resumé. If they discover your fabrications, then you have to be prepared with your counter attack. And if you are going to provide a phone number or reference from one of your fictitious jobs, then you either need someone willing to lie for you whose phone number you can give out or a second number on your home phone. Of course, you can list a place and claim that it is out of business, but sometimes people do some digging and destroy that little plan. So, if you do decide to say that a previous employer is out of business, then by all means pick a place that is indeed out of business. There is a job on my resumé where the company actually did go out of business, which is not why my employment ended there but that is what I tell people. Now, I have had a few people ask me for contact info for people that I worked with at this place. It was almost 10 years ago that I was there, so be prepared.
My current resumé lists the following for my employment history:
• Fixed Asset Accountant, most recent
• Accounting Specialist, 2006
• Project Plan Administrator/Accounts Payable Specialist, 2005 –2006
• Sales Assistant, November 2003 – current
• Administrative Assistant, February 2003 – October 2003
• Accounting Clerk, 1998 – 2000
• Administrative Assistant, 1994 – 1998
The truth reads a bit differently.
• Fixed Asset Accountant is my greatest getting paid to do nothing to date. I got this job through a staffing agency. It started in September of 2006 and lasted until they let me go “due to budget cutbacks” in February of 2007. I did about 5 hours worth of work each month at this job and spent the rest of the time on the internet or walking around outside as this job was located downtown. Not only did I manage to get paid $15 per hour for this job, but I frequently clocked overtime and I got them to let me go in a manner that made me eligible for unemployment.
• Accounting Specialist is actually true, although I spent most of my days there on the internet and listening to my mp3 player.
• Project Plan Administrator and AP Specialist are in reference to positions that I had at a temp agency. The agency and positions are both true. The length of time employed at the agency is padded on the ends - those positions lasted for a total of about four months.
• Sales Assistant is listed on my resumé under a company name that is a company that I started in early 2005. Clearly the dates are highly embellished. On applications, I use my second phone number as the company number. When interviewers get to this position they ask why I am working two jobs. I tell them how I am only doing it on a freelance basis, etc. and it satisfies them. I did have a few real jobs during this time period, but they were all short term, and I cannot use two of them as a reference. From October to December of 2003, I had a position as an office manager. I took all of January and some of February off. Then I went to a temp agency and after a few weeks got a job in the Information Systems department of a large organization. I stayed in that position for a little over a month. One day I left at lunch and never came back. From there I went to a small family owned business as an office manager again. I kept that job for about 7 months before deciding that the owner had some mental issues. After that I spent about 3 months without a job before going to the temp agency in February 2005.
• Administrative Assistant in 2003 is true; however I did have a few temp jobs that year also.
• Notice that there is a gap in my employment history from 2000-2003. What I tell interviewers is that I was in school finishing up my degree. This is partially true. I was enrolled in a university taking classes, but they were primarily online classes and I did have several jobs in this time span. In 2001-2002, I spent some time in data entry for about 7 months. My other jobs in 2002 included sales over the phone (called ‘telesales’ which is really just telemarketing with a nicer name), random temp jobs, and retail sales. In 2001, my other jobs included a call center, several temp jobs with the last being one where I was supposed to scan documents all day, but doodled instead and got fired after a month. I also had a brief stint as a psychic on a psychic hotline.
• Accounting Clerk was only one of the many jobs that I held in 2000 for about 4 months. The company listed on my resumé is clearly a fake name and I tell people it has gone out of business. In 2000, I discovered the easiest way to make money – seek out jobs that have at least 4 weeks of paid training and move through as many of them as possible. I have 4 weeks of knowledge of so many industries and positions that I should really write a book on that. Sadly, I ran out of jobs like that after a point and tried to move onto places with 2 weeks of training, but that never panned out for me. I went to a store where I was told I would have the 2 full weeks of training, and was in complete shock when I was chained to a cash register with a steady stream of customers in less than a week. I did not even last there 2 weeks. My other jobs in 2000 included 4 weeks of training at a call center, followed by 2 weeks of work there; 2 weeks of work and 4 weeks of training at a healthcare organization, 2 weeks of training and about 2 months of work at yet another call center and about 2 weeks of work in a coffee shop. In 1999, I spent about 4 months of work at another call center, 2 weeks in a restaurant, almost 3 months working at the mall, 1 day at a grocery store, 2 more mall jobs, a customer service job, a cashier job and a few temp jobs here and there.
• Administrative Assistant 1994 to 1998 is actually true position at a true company, with the exception of the fact that it was an internship and it was primarily part-time, with me not going at all sometimes for months. Luckily for me, this real company really went out of business.
While my resumé that I use is not perfect, it is certainly tidier than a truthful resumé would be. If at all possible, I recommend not having any gaps in your employment history. I make sure that all of the gaps on my resumé are for periods when I have been enrolled in a university. There have been several times, mostly at temp agencies, when I have been asked to supply something from the school showing that I was indeed enrolled for the period that I claimed. This can be anything from a school schedule, a copy of grades for the semester or even your diploma will sometimes suffice.
It’s also a good idea to make it look like you stay at your jobs for periods of at least one year. When I go to job interviews, the first thing I hear is “Wow, you’ve moved around a lot,” which means “I have no real interest in hiring you because you’ll probably leave before any of the benefits kick in.” Sometimes they will even ask me, “Why should we think you would stay here?” or “Do you plan on changing jobs soon or are you looking for a career?” This is the perfect time to implement what I like to call the ‘smile and nod’ technique. You will see this technique used most often by waiters and salespeople – look for the smiling and nodding waiter asking you if you’d like some dessert next time you’re dining out.
Stay tuned for part 2!
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